OK, you asked for the best, but all you'll get is my FAQ. Sorry.

Without further adieu…

Who the Sam Hell are you?

Glad you asked, O Instantly Annoyed One. Lessee. I'm Ryan, this here's my site. I'm an early thirty-something guy living just outside Boston, Massachusetts. I'm a Scorpio, for the disturbingly large number of you who care.

Early thirty-something? Give us an age, damnit.

Look, you think I wanna update this website anytime soon? Heck no. I have my antique collection of spoons waiting to be organized. I got like, stuff to do. "Early thirty-something" buys me a few years to completely forget how to re-code this site. Good enough for me.

So whatchu got for me on this little part of the Internet?

Well, I gots me a my blog. That's like, cool and stuff. I've a "Best Of" page, which consolidates the stuff people seemed to actually like from the blog. Hoping to actually update that soon. I'm a "Lost" junkie, so I've got a site dedicated to that. I publish a podcast on "Lost" on a weekly basis as well.

Geek. I bet you say "frak" a lot, don't you?

Um, uh, *searches for comeback…*

Hey, I just went to your blog. How come it's as visually interesting as Kevin Smith movie?

Look, I feel very strongly about this. The most important thing about a blog is content. Content content content. Visual distractions are nice. I'm sure everyone would love it if I stuck a nice Flash animation of my floating head dancing in time to Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself". But if the content wasn't up to snuff, then all the pretty fonts in the world couldn't help me. I believe in a bare-bones design that allows to the focus to be on intellectual stimulation through the production of well constructed, tightly focused prose with both expands the mind and illuminates the soul.

(Which is all a nice long way of saying I have absolutely no design skills at all. Or coding skills. And spent 30 grueling hours even setting up Movable Type in the first place, and Lord knows I ain't touching it again cuz I'll break it.)

So why'd you start blogging anyways?

Well, long story short, I had just stopped designing for theatre and was in a bit of a creative rut. I'm the blog offspring of a short gay man and a short half-black, half-Jewish girl, which explains how I'm 6'5'', straight, Catholic, and Caucasian quite effectively.

I started in March 2002, and to say it was terrible is a little like saying "Gigli" was a terrible film; it doesn't scratch the surface. Be that as it may, it got a touch better, and last October, I moved here, to the delight of millions. And by "millions" I mean "thirty-seven".

So why should I bother not only reading your blog, but telling all my friends to do so, enabling you to somehow, someday, assume your position in the pantheon of great American letter writers?

Well, I'm glad you asked that question, and asked it completely unprovoked to boot. You're an excellent fictional question-asker. You never know what you're gonna get, because usually, I don't know what you're gonna get either. I started off with the idea that this site be a combination of "Entertainment Weekly" and "Maxim" and "Blender", since I'd have a built-in resume waiting for them when I applied to be their Editor-in-Chief. Somewhere along the line it turned into more of an overall "battle of the sexes" site, and since then it's twisted and turned in ways I couldn't have imagined. To my surprise, people not only stayed with the bumps in the road, but more people started to latch on. I hardly have a huge following, but it's been nice to know that I need only be interested in writing about something to know that someone else will be interested in reading it.

But what about all those bloggers who say they only write for themselves?

Three words: "Buy a diary!" Of course you want people to like what you write. Some people write for a specific demographic, whether than be age, political bent, interest in horticulture, desire to wear diapers at parties, whatever. Me? I'm a populist. I want all da guys and all da ladies to be all, "Hey, mon, who dat be? He be rockin', mon!" I kill in Jamaica, is what I'm saying. Long story short, the support from readers has made the site better, since it's freed me and my writing up tremendously. Of course, given that daily traffic now exceeds the total traffic I had over my first four months on Blogspot, there's always a slight twinge of "Man, this entry best not suck Hoover-esque."

So what's the goal here? World domination? Year's supply of Rice-a-Roni? Red Sox World Series Ring?

Well, all would be nice (mmmm, Rice-a-Roni), but in the end, it's hopefully gonna end with someone saying something along the lines of, "Ryan, you rock, and I don't mean in a Creed-like way. Your writing, it speaks to me. I had to ask my kid what a lot of it meant, but it spoke to me anyways. Brought out something in me I didn't know I had. Oh wait, that was my doctor last week, and let's forget I said that. But here. Here's a check for an obscene amount of money. Use it to write, and only write, for the rest of your days. Forget the desk job. Forget the suit-and-tie mumbo jumbo. Writing, son. Writing. That's what you're born to do. And if that means you stay in your apartment all day in your pajamas alternating between Playstation 2, VH1 Classic, and your custom-made "I Love the 80's" DVDs while looking for inspiration, then by God, man, you do it."

That would like, rule.

(I realize that, since writing this FAQ, the Sox actually won the World Series, but I'm far too lazy to actually update this page. So there.)

Any other goals that may be a bit more feasible?

Oh, I guess. Didn't know we were talking "feasible" here. Gotta be more specific next time.

Not sure, really. I enjoy writing the site. For now, I'll keep doin' muh thang and hope others catch on. And send me pictures of themselves so I can be as cool as this guy.

Will you buy me a Trogdor baby tee?

Only if you buy me one, sugah.

Can I be your next roommate?

No way. Already have it all lined up. Gonna share a flat with Hal Sparks and Strong Bad. That way, the pop culture references and the email will be ever flowing.

What shows do you like to watch on a regular basis?

What is this, my Myspace page? I'm not gonna answer that question. ("Lost", "Heroes", "Veronica Mars", "Battlestar Galactica", "Smallville", "24", "30 Rock", "The Office", "Scrubs", "Cash in the Attic", "X-Play", "Drive", "Studio 60", "Three Sheets", "The Daily Show". You know. Not that many.)

Crikey, do you ever leave the house?

Look, I'm here updating my "About" page. Do the math.

Let's make out!

Sweet. Just let me clear it with my fiancée. Shouldn't take but a minute. Just gotta go put on the kevlar vest first.

Show us your rack!

Uhhhhh…no. This is not "lohansidekickphotos.blogspot.com", people.

Are you really gonna the end the FAQ on such a lame joke?

Looks like it, for now.

Should I keep coming back here to see what witticisms you will further bless us with?

Schizzle the about-izzle, amigo...

What if I want to ask you a question to be answered on this most excellent site?

Easy as pie: email me.