OK, well, most people seem to be spending a lot of energy this week on Valentine’s Day. Either they are busily preparing themselves for a (hopefully) romantic evening, or they are railing against the overly commercial “holiday” which only serves to remind them that being single sucks. The former group has been pricing flowers, making dinner reservations, arranging for the string quarter, importing African tap-dancing lemurs, and such. The latter group has been drinking heavily since last week.
I’m here to break off from both of these parties and use my energy in a more productive way. Sure, there’s always the tactic of “apathy”, but apathy really takes more work than it should during times like these. It takes a lot of effort to not care, and really, in the end, you’re only fooling yourself. Dr. Phil knows what horrors look beneath the surface. Trust me. Creepy weirdo doctor guy. Gives me the willies.
I’ve been busy trying to convince myself that I am not disheartened, but disinterested, over Valentine’s Day. Well, that’s to some extent true---I’m not curled up in a corner with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s weeping over my lack of date-dom on Saturday night, but I’d be lying if the prospect of watching “Buffy Season 5” all night long seems more appealing than having a date. Oh well, c’est la vie and all that French stuff.
So simply doing nothing isn’t working, but what to do? How to channel this energy? How best to expend inner vigor? There’s only so many Seabreezes in the world.
So, I’ve come up with what I hope is a simple and elegant solution. One that will occupy my energy for this week, and hopefully the next too. Take that, ye people making hard-to-get reservations! That torte won’t last you ‘til next Wednesday, and besides, she’s already cheating on you with your roommate.
(OK, that was my bitter voice. I apologize for that. Moving on.)
So here’s the plan. The solution. The zenith of all that which hath ere befallen.
I’m holding the first Annual “Ms. Ryan-McGee Dot Com” Pageant.
Here’s the way it works: Below you’ll find a questionnaire. Simply paste the questionnaire into your email, answer the questions, and boom, send it back to me. I’ll be posting any and all contestants sometime next week on the site.
Have you lost your freakin’ mind, you attention hussy?
Well, I’m not Mike D. of the Beastie Boys, so maybe I’m losing my mind this time, this time, I’m losing my mind. But it’s got nothing to do with this contest. I’ve asked a few people if they thought this was a fun idea, and unless they severely fear my wrath and were lying, they were genuinely amused by the concept. Except my mom, who wishes I’d step away from the computer and actually meet a real live flesh-and-blood girl.
How will you pick a winner? You just want topless photos, don’t you, you pig?
Well, I wouldn’t mind topless photos. I’m like, a guy. But I won’t post any of them.
There will be no winner, in short. That’s not the point of this at all. The points are many: I get the minor ego boost of having women “vie” for me, readers with blogs can get some linkage going there way, you as “contestants” get to exercise some creativity, and hopefully in the end it’ll be something fun and different for the readership.
And if you don’t like it, then the terrorists have already won.
So photos? Yes, no?
You got one, and you want me to post it with your entry, rock on. If not, no biggie. Pictures of yourself with a sign professing your lust are not required, but send them anyways. If you pull a Janet Jackson, I may have to press charges. Unless you’re hot.
I’m a guy and want in. Can I submit an entry, you heterosexist pig?
Sure, why not? I’m an equal opportunity objectifier.
When will you post the entries?
Hard to say. Depends on response. I’m thinking next week, but since I came up with this idea about 2 hours ago overall, there isn’t much foresight involved here. Maybe never. Maybe I’ll just create a slide show in my apartment, and stay in all day, watching it in my Hello Dolly bathroom while nursing a mug of cocoa and tequila. Who am I to predict the future?
Can I submit my friends to this contest, preferably without their knowledge and/or consent?
Absolutely. The more girls that someday Google their own names, find this page in their results, furrow their brow, click the link, and then scream out in abject terror, the better.
What questions didn’t make the cut?
Oh, too many to mention. Most of them were on par with, “"Tell me your favorite article of clothing, and the specific place on my floor that it would end up." But none of those are in the final survey, thank you muchly.
Wouldn’t simply asking a girl on a date this Saturday be easier than all this effort?
If you have to ask that question, you haven’t been following my dating life very closely, have you?
***
OK, so that should take care of most of your questions. This should be interesting. Or “soul-deadening”. Either way, ya know.
Please answer each question to the best of your ability. If you don’t know the answer to a question, just write “Vince Gill”.
Name: ____________________
Location (City, Town, Bit of Grass on Someone’s Lawn, etc): __________________
Super Sexy Spy Code Name (c’mon, you know you have one): _____________________
URL (if applicable): ________________________
In your opinion, why are you the most qualified to be “Miss Ryan-McGee Dot Com”?
This position comes with great power and responsibility. It’s sort of like being Spider-Man, that way. Would you use your newfound status for good or evil? Please cite examples where possible.
I’m thinking of a number between 4 and 5. What is it?
Most pageant winners do a lot of work with charity organizations. So let me ask you this: do you like beer?
True or false: Bald is a sexy look. (Hint: It’s true.)
Do you “have it going on”, are you “all that and a bag of chips”, or have you been known to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”? List all that apply, with anecdotal references if possible.
OK, we agree to go out on a date. Unless it's not a date. Heck, I can never tell, but let's call it a date anyways. It's what I'm gonna tell my co-workers tommorow in any case. But it has to be a double-date, with any two historical figures of any era. Who do you invite to come along and what do we four do? Money’s no object.
Thank you for completing this survey! Please email Ryan, along with any visual aids you deem necessary, at your earliest convenience. Management will process these applications as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
The Help Ryan Get a Life And Quickly Foundation
Posted by Ryan McGee at February 10, 2004 02:59 PM